Ooooooh, I was not happy…
Two weeks ago, I ended a business relationship. After I’d explained why I was upset, the reply I got back from the other person fell totally flat- – and beyond that, it only confirmed my decision to part company with a top marketing firm.
But that experience got me thinking: did it really have to be that way?
I think the relationship could have been salvaged and that is the point of today’s article. Here’s a useful approach for you to try the next time you’re confronted with an angry client, customer, or colleague.
A five step-solution for calming the savage shopper
1) Get Your Bearings
The first thing to do when confronted by an indignant individual is to realize the world around you has changed. That’s right- – you may not have moved an inch, but believe me, Dorothy, we’re not in Kansas any more. The train has left the station, and you’ve been hijacked by the mayor of Crazytown.
“People just don’t think when they’re angry”, my Grandmama would say, and she was absolutely right. The first step in rescuing the relationship is to recognize the undeniable fact that the person you’re coping with has temporary insanity, and like it or not, they have brought you along for the ride.
2) Stay On the Train
So here you are, barrelling down the tracks with your angry customer, client, or co-worker, and they’re stewing. They’re broiling. They’re seething.
At this point, the other person is totally self-interested. Your sentiments & point of view are utterly unimportant to them. So not only are you stuck on a runaway train to Crazytown, but the conductor has lost radio contact, too- – they can not hear, see, or feel anything from the outside world.
Your first inclination is to protect your viewpoint. When you’re being attacked, you’ll be wanting to leap off this steaming “loco”motive, put your foot down, and stand your ground.
Do not do it.
Stay with them. Ride it out. You can turn this train around- – but you have simply got to keep your wits about you.
3) Channel Bill Clinton
You are at a critical juncture. Most relationships with an irritated person derail right here, for one simple reason- – in all the commotion, it’s easy to drop the sole thing that can help to save you both: an emergency supply of empathy.
What do angry folks want, more than all else? To feel heard.To feel that their views have value.
As straightforward as that is, it’s tough to remember when we are being attacked, because we don’t see things from their point of view. Our natural inclination is to get defensive & rationalize ourpoint of view. Instead of crossing the bridge of empathy into their world, we retreat into our own.
But empathy is so forceful, and so effective, that it can stop a runaway train. The conscious choice to ride alongside the other person’s view is what people like authors Daniel Pink & Jeb Blount are touting as the new competitive advantage. Empathy is such an amazing force that it even helped propel Bill “I feel your pain” Clinton to the height of power, the presidency of the United States.
And ultimately, here’s some excellent news. The directions that come with your emergency supply of empathy are not difficult to follow: just tell the individual that is upset that if you were in their shoes, you’d feel the same way.
Say it with definite honesty. When you think about it, that is the most authentic, logical, self-apparent thing you can say: if you were in their shoes, you would feel exactly the same way, would you not? !
So say it, mean it and then shut up.
4) Coast
If somebody is upset, they need to let their wrath run its course. Step aside and let ‘er roll, my friend.
They’ve got a specific quantity of coal in that locomotive- – you do not know how much- – and they have to burn through it. Let them say their piece. Do what you can verbally & non-verbally to show that their feelings have validity, and for heaven’s sake, don’t give them more fuel by defending yourself. Just let them burn up steam, and you’ll soon feel the train’s pace becoming slower, and slower and slower.
5) Throw the Switch
Once things have settled down in the boiler room, you can carefully throw the switch that may shift the train on to a favorable track.
Start by quietly telling the angry person that you are really sorry this happened to them. Tell them that you definitely wish that this was something they didn’t have to go through (once more, when you stop to think about it, isn’t that the truth? Don’t you ever wish they hadn’t had the experience that set the “loco”motive barrelling down the line, if only so you wouldn’t have had to go along for the ride? Of course).
Then, when the time is right, just ask a direct question:
– What should we do now?
Or, if you’d rather not to leave it open-ended, simply say:
– I’d like to make this right for you. Would you be open to [insert your suggested solution here]?
When you choose this course, you’ve given someone who was feeling impotent, irritated, & incensed an important gift: a feeling of respect and a chance to regain control.Most of the time, most people will answer in a way that leaves you pleasantly surprised.
I’m convinced this approach would have helped me when I was upset a few weeks back, had my colleague used it advantageously. So next time you’re confronted by an indignant individual, give it a try- – I think you will find that it can help you reach a more happy destination, too.
Marie Elwood is a Christian marketing consultant who runs Increased Results, an Atlanta marketing consulting company.